A survey by Gransnet reveals that 7 out of 10 believe women become ‘invisible’ as they age, feeling “unseen, overlooked, and patronized.” The study shows that starts at age 52 (yes, 52!). The survey goes on to report that two-thirds of women feel less visible than men drawing attention to society’s value on youth and beauty.
In an article in The Atlantic, writer Akiko Busch writes about women experiencing less public scrutiny…and entertaining a wider set of choices about when and how they are seen as they age.
“The invisible woman might be the actor no longer offered roles after her 40th birthday, the 50-year-old woman who can’t land a job interview, or the widow who finds her dinner invitations declining with the absence of her husband. She is the woman who finds that she is no longer the object of the male gaze—youth faded, childbearing years behind her, social value diminished.” Referring to her anticipated disappearance on her upcoming 50th birthday, the writer Ayelet Waldman said to an interviewer, “I have a big personality, and I have a certain level of professional competence, and I’m used to being taken seriously professionally. And suddenly, it’s like I just vanished from the room. And I have to yell so much louder to be seen. … I just want to walk down the street and have someone notice that I exist”, writes Busch.
For me personally, I haven’t really felt invisible, although I cannot deny that it exists and I observe such situations regularly. Let’s talk about it a little more…
Let’s face it: we STILL live in a patriarchal society. Why and how after decades of activism does the patriarchy persist? That is exactly what Carol Gillilgan, the psychologist and ethicist, and Naomi Snider, a former student of Dr. Gilligan’s, were determined to unpack in their new book, “Why Does Patriarchy Persist?” Gilligan and Snider wrote about “How Patriarchy Got in Our Heads” in The New York Times“. No matter what age, patriarchy affects men and women. “In essence,” Gillian and Snider write, patriarchy harms both men and women by forcing men to act like they don’t need relationships and women to act like they don’t need a sense of self. The crux, though, is that we are not supposed to see or to say this,” they write.
What exactly is patriarchy? The word is used in many ways and some of those ways can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. In the process today, men, in particular, get targeted in negative ways. And the truth is that the word has to do with all of us. But what it boils down to is that it is a system. Patriarchy, as a system, encompasses a worldview about how we live as humans with each other on this planet. The underlying principle of patriarchy (it’s been with Western Civilization for about 7,000 years) is about power and control. Historically, the term patriarchy has been used to refer to autocratic rule by the male head of a family; however, since the late 20th century it has also been used to refer to social systems in which power is primarily held by adult men. It’s an undeniable contributor in our society that impacts us all.
Okay, okay…back to The Invisible Woman Syndrome.
The Invisible Woman Syndrome is not only a result of patriarchy. But, my beautiful middle-aged friends, The Invisible Woman Syndrome parallels with The Mommy Wars: remember those? We women have been judging one another for decades. Mommy Wars are founded on a group of moms who strongly believe in “their way” of parenting. Moms can be pretty friggin’ fanatical about their beliefs in the “right way” to parent children. Likewise, there are contingents on both sides of women in midlife…one contingent claims to be post-sexual, no longer interested in or of interest to prospective romantic partners, and abandons make-up, heels, “goes grey”, and balks at other makers of conventional femininity. And the other contingent makes up the “still got it” mentality and rejoices in the confidence age has bestowed upon them, delights in sex without complications of pregnancy scares, feels more empowered in owning their desires rather than merely responding more to being desired, and sometimes also enjoys greater disposable income than they did in their youth, employing trainers, getting Botox and wearing fabulous fashion.
The hothouse of a patriarchal society plus the “Giving Up”/”Still Got It” contingents all stir the pot of “The Invisible Woman Syndrome”.
But… make no mistake, the challenges of women, age, perceived attractiveness and viability in today’s society are very real.
What can we do about it? We can’t instantly fix the way society sees us, but we can change the way we handle the situations causing us to feel invisible. And, we can help others to see us, one person at a time.
Here are 13 tips to prevent feeling invisible from becoming one’s reality:
- Be interested & interesting
- Use humor
- Stay current about world events
- Show interest in others; make appropriate conversation
- Dress in a way that makes you feel great and carry yourself with confidence
- Take an interest in people who are younger and older than yourself
- Stay curious about life
- Respect your life and stay engaged
- Engage in conversation with wallflowers
- Reciprocate social invitations with small gifts, thank you notes and your own invitations
- Always speak kindly of others and avoid gossip
- Cultivate self-confidence and social graces
- Encourage or coach your friends, colleagues and family members to NOT allow themselves to fall into that trap.
Stay upbeat and optimistic. Love yourself most of all and turn inward to your own self as the best company there is. Then others are likely to turn to you for good company.