The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration, but for those of us grieving the loss of a loved one, it can feel like a cruel reminder of who’s missing from our lives. I’m no stranger to this reality. My son, Mitch, passed away from an accidental fentanyl overdose and a courageous battle with addiction nearly four years ago, and every year, as the holidays approach, I’m reminded of how different they feel without him here. My best friend, Chelsea, lost her hubby and my pal, Joey not that long ago. My brother lost his courageous battle with cancer just weeks ago at the too-soon-age of 58. And two friends, Flea and Elsie, recently left this world without warning – sudden deaths that turned many of us on our heels: Gone too soon. It hurts.
Grief doesn’t just go away because a calendar turns from November to December. In fact, the holiday season can often amplify the ache of loss. The familiar songs, decorations, and family gatherings seem to stir up emotions that are hard to manage. It’s easy to get caught up in what should be happening during the holidays—what others expect or what society tells us is “normal”—but I’ve learned over the years that there’s no one way to experience grief, especially during the holidays.
If you’re navigating the season with a heavy heart, here’s how I’ve been finding my way through it, and I hope it offers you some comfort too.
1. It’s Okay to Not Feel Festive
There’s a lot of pressure to be “happy” during the holidays, but that pressure can be suffocating when you’re grieving. The first few years after Mitch passed, I found it nearly impossible to get into the spirit of things. The idea of pretending to be cheerful just felt wrong. It wasn’t until I stopped forcing myself to feel festive that I began to heal. It’s okay to not feel like celebrating. It’s okay to skip certain traditions or not decorate the house like you used to. This is your grief, your journey, and there’s no timeline or checklist you need to follow.
If you don’t feel like putting up the Christmas tree or baking cookies, that’s okay. If you need to cancel a holiday party or avoid big family gatherings, that’s okay too. You’re allowed to sit this one out if that’s what’s best for you.
2. Set New Traditions (or Change the Old Ones)
One thing I’ve learned is that it’s important to find new ways to honor our loved ones. After Mitch passed, I struggled with the idea of continuing holiday traditions that felt incomplete without him. I had to create new rituals that allowed me to still celebrate, but in a way that acknowledged my grief.
For example, we started a new tradition of lighting a candle in Mitch’s honor during Christmas dinner. It doesn’t erase the pain, but it offers a small moment of connection and remembrance. I also started making his favorite foods or doing things he loved—like taking a drive down the Great River Road with my family. These small acts help keep his spirit alive during the season.
You might not feel like celebrating the same way you used to, and that’s okay. Create something new that allows you to honor your loved one and make space for your grief. It could be as simple as taking a quiet walk, having a private moment of reflection, or sharing stories about your loved one. The key is making the season your own.
3. Reach Out for Support
Grief can feel isolating, especially during the holidays. We tend to hide our sadness because we don’t want to “ruin” the celebration for others, but it’s crucial to remember that your grief is valid. Reaching out to others who understand what you’re going through can be a huge relief.
In my case, it was important to talk to my daughters and my parents about what we were feeling. I’d encourage you to open up to your loved ones about how you’re doing or even consider finding a grief support group. I’ve also found comfort in talking with friends who’ve lost someone close to them. While everyone’s grief is different, just being around people who get it can make all the difference.
If you don’t feel like talking, that’s okay too. Grief doesn’t have a script. Sometimes, simply being with someone who doesn’t expect you to be cheerful can be enough.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Joy (When You Can)
Grief doesn’t mean you have to be sad all the time. That might sound surprising, but I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow yourself moments of happiness and peace, even during the holidays. It’s not disloyal to your loved one to experience joy. It’s a sign that you’re healing and learning to live with your grief.
There were times when I felt guilty for enjoying a quiet evening with my daughters or laughing with friends. It took time for me to realize that my grief and my joy can coexist. And when I allowed myself to feel happiness, it didn’t diminish my love for Mitch or my brother, Jeff. It simply meant I was finding a way to move forward while still holding them in my heart.
Allowing yourself the space to find moments of peace or even fun isn’t about forgetting. It’s about finding balance and giving yourself permission to live in the midst of your grief.
5. Honor Your Loved One’s Memory
For me, honoring Mitch’s (and now Jeff’s) memory during the holidays has been an essential part of my healing. It’s important to remember that grief doesn’t just mean sadness—it’s also about love. And love doesn’t disappear. My love for Mitch and Jeff are still very much alive, and part of my journey is finding ways to express that love during the holiday season.
This could be through acts of kindness in their honor, donating to causes they cared about, or simply sharing memories with others. I often find myself talking about Mitch with my daughters, telling funny stories or reflecting on the lessons he taught me. There’s no right or wrong way to honor your loved one. What matters is that you do it in a way that feels meaningful to you.
6. Take Care of Yourself
Grief can be exhausting, especially during the holidays when everything around you is moving at full speed. It’s easy to burn out when you’re trying to balance your grief with the expectations of the season. That’s why it’s so important to make self-care a priority.
Whether that means getting enough rest, eating well, getting outside for fresh air, or allowing yourself to say “no” when you need to, taking care of your physical and mental health is key to navigating the holiday season. For me, it’s been about finding small moments of calm in between the busyness—like enjoying a quiet cup of coffee in the morning or taking a walk to clear my head.
7. Embrace the Mess
Finally, I’ve come to embrace that grief doesn’t have a neat, tidy timeline. Some days are better than others, and that’s okay. There will be moments where the sadness feels overwhelming, and there will be moments when I can laugh, cry, and celebrate life. The holidays are messy, and so is grief. But that’s what makes it real.
This holiday season, I encourage you to embrace the mess—your grief, your joy, and everything in between. The holidays are a reminder of how fleeting life is, and while the pain of loss will always be a part of us, so too can be the moments of beauty that arise when we allow ourselves to feel, to remember, and to love.
Final Thoughts
Grief is a personal journey, especially during the holidays, but you don’t have to walk it alone. If you’re struggling, I hope these reflections can help you feel less isolated and more empowered to create a holiday season that’s uniquely yours. Honor your grief, honor your loved one, and honor yourself. It’s okay to carve your own path through this season. You don’t have to do it the “right” way. You just have to do it your way.
If you’re navigating grief this holiday season, I’d love to hear your thoughts or memories of your loved ones. Let’s share and support each other.