Let’s talk narcissism.
True narcissism is a clinically recognized personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD. Here is the DSM 5 definition. We hear the term ‘narcissist’ in our society a lot these days, and often it is misused and has become diluted. NPD is characterized by grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward other people.
Read on to learn more the most common types of narcissists and common terms that are helpful to learn as you deal with a narcissist. And watch my blog and podcast as I take a deep dive into this subject, which seems to be one that so many people grapple with.
Healthy narcissism is related to self-esteem and self-worth but it is not exactly the same. It’s taking pleasure in one’s beauty, in the workings of one’s mind, in the accomplishment of a tough job well done. It is ecstatic joy in oneself. Although the joy of healthy narcissism can fleeting, it is a powerful and sustaining sensation.
Grandiose narcissists will display a pattern of superiority and pretentiousness that may differ from typical narcissists. They crave excessive praise and admiration from others, and may flaunt lavish lifestyles in order to achieve this. While not a diagnosable mental health condition, grandiose narcissism has a reputation for being treatment resistant.
Covert narcissism—also referred to as vulnerable narcissism—has been described as the “more silent and subtle variation” of narcissism. This type of narcissist shares the same overarching traits of the personality disorder—an inflated sense of self, a lack of empathy for others and an excessive need for admiration and attention—but manifests these traits in a less obvious way.
The concept of malignant narcissism was introduced by psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg in 1964, describing a psychological syndrome comprising an extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, aggression, sadism, and paranoid traits.
Sexual narcissism can be defined as a grandiose sense of one’s sexual prowess which, in the mind of the sexual narcissist, entitles him or her to engage in acts of emotional and physical manipulation at the partner’s expense. Significantly, sexual narcissism is marked by a lack of true intimacy in the relationship—the partner is merely exploited to fulfill the narcissist’s selfish needs.
‘Somatic’ means ‘related to the body’, so somatic narcissism involves being very preoccupied or obsessed with one’s physical appearance and sexual attractiveness. A somatic narcissist uses their body and the physical space around them to express their narcissism. Their superiority and sense of entitlement come from their perception of their physical self. They believe they are more beautiful, stronger, or fitter than others. Flaunting their bodies, flex their muscles, and brag about the number of times people hit on them is typical behavior.
Cerebral narcissists are those individuals who fulfill their narcissistic supply by showing off their intellect and smartness, every chance they get. What makes them toxic and horrible people is the fact they put down other people if they think that they are not as smart as them. They are extremely arrogant and egoistic about their intelligence and will not spare any opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself.
Spiritual narcissists crave control, believing that their spirituality makes them superior to others. They can be incredibly alluring. Moreover, spiritual narcissists are in a position of authority. This allows them to deceive and manipulate religious individuals who are open and trustworthy, ensuring a continual source of narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic Abuse Terms to Get-to-Know
- Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the 2023 Word of the Year! It’s fitting that in an age of misinformation, this one has risen to the top. This is a form of psychological abuse in which narcissists systematically undermine other people’s mental state by lending them to question their perceptions of reality. Common techniques come in the form of denying and projecting, then the narcissist refuses responsibility. They may say things like, “You are too sensitive,” or “Why can’t you let anything go,” or “That is not what happened, you like to create drama”.
- Love Bombing
Love bombing might look like someone constantly complimenting you or wanting to be around you, dramatic professions of love and devotion, or bombarding you with grand gestures or expensive gifts. It can be hard to spot because it looks and feels similar to what many people want in relationships: to feel loved and adored. But it is a form of emotional manipulaton and control.
- Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys in the narcissistic family are enablers who help with the narcissist’s dirty work, often to avoid being targeted themselves and/or to benefit from a certain level of bestowed privilege. The most manipulable types make the best flying monkeys. They may be children or other relatives.
- Hoovering
Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often stunningly cruel, they ultimately make those around them unhappy, if not miserable, and eventually drive many people away. If people pull away or try to go no contact, narcissists may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum suck) them back within their realm of control. They try to hoover through a variety of means, from promising to reform their behavior, to acting unusually solicitous, to dangling carrots such as gifts or money. However, if they find replacement sources of supply they may simply walk away from old ones.
- Supply
People with narcissistic personality disorder depend emotionally on others to sustain their sense of identity and regulate their self-esteem. They get their narcissistic supply either by idealizing and emulating others or by devaluing and asserting their superiority over others. Anyone they can manipulate—a partner, child, friend, or colleague—is a potential source of supply. Without suppliers, narcissists are empty husks. If a source of supply pulls away, they may attempt to hoover them back and/or look for other sources.
- Word Salad
The narcissist uses a word salad when they are confronted with something that they do not want to talk about or if they are being called out. You may have questions about their behavior or the relationship or they could pick a fight with you or say something mean. It does not matter how it starts or who started it, they twist your words and confuse you to the point that you are doubting yourself and your beliefs.
- No Contact
People who have been abused by a narcissist may choose to cut ties altogether with that person. Typically people who end up going no contact have had their boundaries violated in traumatic ways that eventually push them to shut down all communication with the narcissist. For adult children of narcissists, going no contact is typically a deeply ambivalent and painful choice that feels like a matter of survival in order to break the cycle of hurt and to attempt to heal. Going no contact, especially from a parent, is difficult to explain to people who don’t understand narcissism and its devastating effects, further isolating victims.
- Going Gray Rock
Going “gray rock” is a boundary-setting and conflict-avoidance strategy that can be effective in dealing with narcissists. It simply means making yourself dull and nonreactive, like a colorless unmoving rock. In gray-rock mode, you engage minimally with the narcissist and his/her circus of enablers/flying monkeys. You do not show or share your thoughts or feelings. You do not react to antagonism and manipulation. In short, you make yourself of little interest to the narcissist.
This is just scratching the surface of this topic. Follow my blog and podcast for more about narcissism (and many other ones, too!).
2 thoughts on “Narcissism 101: Types & Terms”
This one was very enlightening. I’m continually discovering areas of my life that have been affected by exposure to toxic narcissism. This broadened that perspective. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Kevin! I am so happy you found the information useful!! I appreciate your comments!