That’s my son, Mitch in the photo. We lost him after a courageous battle with addiction in October of 2020. Holidays, well, they are still hard. And I lost my beloved brother (my only sibling) to cancer just three months ago at the age of 58. Both, gone too soon.
The holiday season is often described as a time of joy, celebration, and warmth. Yet, for those who have experienced trauma, grief, or loss, it can be a time of heightened emotion. The laughter and cheer that surround us can serve as a stark reminder of what’s missing or the pain we still carry. But it’s possible to move through the season with more ease, empathy, and even moments of peace. Here are some thoughtful approaches to help you navigate December, drawn from my own experiences and those of others I’ve talked to over the years.
Honor Your Feelings
First and foremost, it’s essential to honor your feelings. We live in a world where the expectation is often that we will be merry and bright, especially during the holidays. But grief and trauma don’t work on a schedule. They don’t care if it’s December 24th or the middle of July. It’s okay to not feel cheerful. It’s okay to feel a range of emotions—from sadness and anger to exhaustion and numbness.
Give yourself permission to take breaks and set boundaries with social gatherings. If attending a holiday party feels overwhelming, it’s okay to decline or leave early. This season, being honest with yourself and setting clear boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to take up space without guilt.
Create a Ritual
Creating a ritual can be a powerful way to remember loved ones who are no longer with you. It can be as simple or elaborate as you like, but it should resonate with you personally. Light a candle in their honor or set up a small altar with a photo, a keepsake, or their favorite holiday item. This ritual isn’t about making the pain go away; it’s about acknowledging it and allowing space for remembrance.
For example, if your loved one enjoyed a specific holiday treat, make it as a way to keep their memory alive. Or, if they had a favorite song, play it while you take a few moments to reflect. Rituals help ground us in the present while acknowledging the past, creating a sacred space to honor both the joy and the loss.
Connect with Others
During the holidays, it’s easy to feel isolated in your grief or trauma. However, one of the most comforting things you can do is reach out to friends and family who understand what you’re going through. Sharing a simple conversation, a memory, or even just sitting together without words can be deeply reassuring.
Don’t be afraid to lean on your network, even if it’s just one or two people who really get it. Connection is a reminder that you’re not alone, even in the moments when it feels like you are. And don’t hesitate to seek out support groups or online communities where people are walking a similar path. Being surrounded by others who know your struggle can be incredibly comforting during what can feel like a lonely season.
Be Gentle with Yourself
The holiday season can come with a lot of pressure to meet expectations. Whether it’s family traditions, social obligations, or your own internal standards, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Your holiday doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s—no picture-perfect Christmas tree, extravagant gifts, or grand holiday feasts are necessary for a meaningful season.
Give yourself permission to do things differently this year. Maybe that means choosing a simple dinner at home over a big holiday meal or deciding to skip the gift exchange altogether. Let your holiday be as simple or as elaborate as you feel up to. This year, celebrate in the way that best honors your well-being and respects your boundaries.
Find Small Moments of Peace
Even in a season that feels overwhelming, moments of peace are possible. The key is to make time for activities that help you feel grounded and present. Whether it’s taking a walk in the crisp winter air, meditating for five minutes, or curling up with a good book and a cup of tea, these small acts can help you reconnect with yourself and the present moment.
Make a point to pause throughout the day, even if just for a minute or two. Notice the texture of the blanket you’re wrapped in, the warmth of the tea in your hands, or the way the lights twinkle in the evening. These small moments of peace can serve as reminders that there is still beauty and calm to be found, even amid the chaos.
Embrace Your Unique Holiday Journey
Everyone’s journey through grief and trauma is different, so your holiday season will look different from someone else’s. It’s okay to feel joy, it’s okay to feel sadness, and it’s okay to feel both at the same time. Don’t judge yourself for not measuring up to what the holiday “should” look like. Your holiday story is valid and unique to you.
It’s not about forcing yourself to feel a certain way or mimicking what others are doing. It’s about finding what brings you comfort, what makes you feel safe, and what allows you to honor the season in your own way. And remember, there’s no timeline for healing or moving forward. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and take things one day at a time.
As you navigate the holiday season, know that it’s okay to take things slow, to set boundaries, and to create space for both joy and grief. You deserve a season that nurtures you, not one that exhausts you. By embracing your perfectly imperfect journey, you’re giving yourself the greatest gift of all: the gift of acceptance and love.
Let this holiday season be a time of self-compassion and small victories. The moments you find peace, the connections you make, and the ways you choose to remember and honor your experiences are what will stay with you. And in that, you’ll find the true meaning of the season.