Child loss is like no other.
It is a loss that is often misunderstood by many. The death and loss of a child are frequently called the ultimate tragedy. I believe that is because it’s out of order. It’s not the way the circle of life is supposed to go.
Surviving the death and loss of a child takes dedication to live.
As a parent, you give birth to a life as a promise to the future. And the death of a child requires us to make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible it may seem. But the experience changes you forever more.
Here are some tips for those of you out there who want to support grieving children I found from Paula Stephens, founder of Crazy Good Grief and author of “From Grief to Growth“:
- Remember our children with us.
This loss is a degree of suffering that is impossible to grasp without experiencing it firsthand. Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head-on. But we want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was.
Say his or her name out loud.
If you see something that reminds you of my child, tell me.
If you are reminded of him/her, say so. And when I talk about him, don’t shrink away or want to change the subject because it makes you uncomfortable. If you never met him, don’t be afraid to ask about him.
One of our greatest joys is talking about my child.
- Accept that you can’t “fix” us.
An out-of-order death such as a child loss breaks a parent in a way that is not fixable or solvable.
We will learn to pick up the pieces, but our lives will never be the same.
Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with loss, and it is a solitary journey. Please be patient with us as we find our way.
PLEASE DON’T: Don’t tell us it is time to get back to life
That it’s been long enough, or that time heals all wounds.
We appreciate your support and love, and we know it can be sometimes hard to watch, but our sense of brokenness will NEVER go away.
- Know that there are at least two days a year we need a timeout.
We still remember birthdays. And Anniversaries. Forevermore.
Some of us have rituals. Some prefer to be on their own.
Either way, we need time to process another year without our child.
These dates are a great time for you to reach out to help us remember.
- Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.
The battle of balancing the pain and guilt of outliving our children with the desire to live in a way that honors them is real.
We are constantly holding grief in one hand and a joyful life in the other.
Milestones spotlight these feelings.
- Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable.
The loss of a child is not the natural order. It challenges others sense of safety. You don’t know what to say or do, and you’re afraid that you might make us lose it…
Our loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness.
We would rather lose it because you ‘said his/her name’ than to be shielded and in denial.
Losing a child is the loneliest, most desolate journey a person can take, and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience.
But consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who has endured one of life’s most frightening events. Rise up with us.
If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember than even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine.